The Reason I didn't update - Part II: Clueless Chiss
by MsLanna
Summary: Mellanna has to find a way to revoke the banishment of Thrawn. Stocked with unusual assets and her usual handicaps, she finds herself in the middle of a society that does not want her. Half of it also does not want Thrawn to return either. And when Mellanna starts to dig up details of the mission that led to Thrawn's banishemnt some people get really antsy and agressive.
1. Summary Part I and Author Notes

The Reason I didn't Update – Clueless Chiss

Dear Reader,

this is a sequel to 'The Reason I didn't Update - Incapable Imperial'. I recommend you read it before starting this because it has over 300k words and I just can't explain everything in the following summary. If you are comfortable with the information given here, though, feel free to dive right in.

There won't be many canon characters appearing at the beginning. A bit of Formbi, Stent in flashbacks and probably some Fels. Otherwise this will be an all OC cast set on Csilla as I imagine it. You have been warned.

Since I make up a lot of stuff you cannot look up on wookieepedia, I decided to create a little blog on livejournal where I can post bad drawings and additional infos. I'll start with a playlist for the first part to have something posted. (The link with some extra spaces: tridu . livejournal . com)

The story doesn't really have a cover yet, so have the motivational I created for NaNo instead.

Love,

Mel

* * *

Summary of Incapable Imperial

Due to an inexplicable accident Mellanna ends up on the _Chimaera_ instead of selling souvenirs in her shop in the world's biggest computer museum. (It's in Paderborn by the way, the Heinz Nixdorf Museums Forum. I really did work there.) She manages to convince Grand Admiral Thrawn that her knowledge of the future events will be useful for his campaign, especially the certain death waiting at the end of it.

Imperial life is not much to Mellanna's liking: too much exercise, not enough chocolate. The discovery of konot tea is alleviating her resentiments but only when allowed contact with other people does her mood lighten up. Especially when one of them turns out to be of the last original closed for the 501st.

Still Mellanna spends most of her time cursing and running headfirst into setups. Those tend to be the reason for the cursing. She gets out of all of them alive and successful, even when she has to spend several days with the mad Jedi Master clone C'baoth. She is given more and more freedom and responsibility, eliminating her chosen enemies of the Empire and working as liaison to the Mandalorians.

Her fear of the Vong invasion and its results lead her to making a deal with Thrawn. She will get him back to his homeworld and in return her will not wipe out the New Republic. Since this will not save his life, she also demands life for life, wishing to save the Noghri aboard the _Chimaera_ from execution. Still only Rukh is left alive as the deal is taken literal.

In order to prepare her for the time she will spend on Csilla working to effect Thrawn's return, she gets private tutoring from the Grand Admiral himself. Tutoring that would have made Maris blush but likely in a happy way. Mellanna realises how desperate her idea actually was, but by then it is too late to back out.

In a combined effort with the republic, the Mandalorians, and smugglers Byss is invaded and the Reborn Emperor destroyed before he can gain full power.

Before she leaves, Mellanna leaves information she considers important with all of her contacts, hoping to save the galaxy some pain. Then she goes off to start all over again on Csilla, though this time she won't be alone.


	2. Prologue

Prologue

I was cursing. At least when I was in a state to be coherent. I cursed each and everyone, all men and all who were in one way or another responsible for my current, very unpleasant situation. Naturally, my Admiralship got the brunt of it all. Stupid, idiot, brainless dick of a Chiss.

That was exactly the problem, I decided after the next contraction abated. And that left me with the bastard child of a Chiss. I took a deep breath and eyed the timer. Another hour until we reached Csilla. This would so not be fun.

Rukh sat beside me in stoic silence. He had prepared for the birth as well as the _Liberty_ allowed. I would have preferred to lie down and curse the ceiling, but somebody had to fly the ship and that somebody was me. Because the same somebody had to talk to the Chiss authorities. And that was something Rukh couldn't do.

I closed my eyes, let the pain wash over me and hoped I wouldn't have to clean up the mess I left behind. Right now I felt like I would never be able to do anything ever again. Cursed Grand Admiral. Idiot Emperor. He and his impeccable timing. Where had that gone to? And why had Stent not said a word, or maybe Parck. Okay, Parck was excused for being away on a mission to practice combined military missions with the Republic. But the other. They really should have known better.

After all, this was my first pregnancy. And judging from the pain that labour was, the last if I had any say in it. Which I should. Looking at it in retrospective, never having kids had been an excellent plan. But it was too late for that now. I cursed the pilot's seat which was definitely not made to give birth in. But Rukh had, rather correctly, pointed out that it would likely be impossible to get me into it once we arrived. I looked at the timer again. I swear, it was going backwards.

When Rukh finally pulled the lever, I was concentrating so much on being coherent, that I didn't quite remember what to be coherent with. I just hoped it would come to me in time.

"Foreign vessel, state your intent," a Chiss voice commanded over the comm. And I did remember what I was trying to do. It took me several repeats of the command to gather enough and the right words to answer.

"Chiss Ascendancy, this is Mellanna Morrison," I gasped in pain, and had to exhale before I could go on, "with the light freighter _Liberty_." I wanted to cringe around my belly which was impossible because there was too much of it and also I hurt like hell. "I come with no evil intonation, shipload of eels, intention." Things were deteriorating fast. At least my swearing was on par even in Cheunh.

"Light Freighter Liberty, you have invaded Chiss space." As if I cared. "You will state your intentions or leave." As if I could. At least the calculation of the fuel had been done correctly.

"Chiss Ascendancy," why was I given no name? I mean, I was even speaking Cheunh, wasn't I? I concentrated on another contraction before going on. "I have come to raise the child of a, "bastard son of a bitch who did this to me and was now to far away to strangle. Unfortunately. "garland, more eels than I can count, _gor'laan_."

There, I had done it. More or less correctly with more swearing as anticipated. I swore under my breath as my body decided this was the best moment of all to give birth and went at it with a passion. The other side did take its sweet time, too. What was their problem? As far as I had been told, which had to mean nothing, coming to think of it, there were precedents. Even if the parents were banned the children were not. They had done nothing.

"Light freighter, you will change your course to the following coordinates and prepare to be boarded." I translated the numbers that followed to Rukh who set the course. I had rarely been so glad to feel a tractor beam take hold of my ship. They likely had doctors wherever I was going. There was nothing more appealing than a doctor right now. I would have given my private tea supply to see Greras right then.

"You will wait for the boarding team at the entrance of your ship."

Well, I think not. But before I could object, the connection was cut. I looked a Rukh.

"Bucket of eels," he said.

When I tried to laugh, another contraction turned the sound into a long wailing noise of no amusement.

"I think I will wait at the entrance," Rukh said. "Keep together if you can."

Instead of replying I tried not to bite through my lip. This worked rather well. It did not matter that the noise level was impossible to keep down. To hell with it all. I did not have to pretend flying the ship anymore, nor did I have to talk. My state should be pretty obvious to any mammal alive.

After a long contraction-flooded eternity Rukh returned. Behind him walked several blue people, dressed in black with green. 'Eels', I thought before closing my eyes. Somehow they didn't open again.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	3. 001

**Author's Note: **

I have created quite a bit of Cheunh, but I don't know how much of it to use. So I usually won't. If you want to see more of it, I'll gladly write more dialogue in the format:

"Cheunh sentence," _English translation_, tag.

Just let me know.

:D

* * *

One

I woke up tired. I felt as if a herd of banthas had practised step dancing on me. And some of them had kicked me in the nethers repeatedly. This was not a good day to be Pooh. Something floated to the top of my mind that was of importance. I should not be alone. I opened my eyes but didn't see anything much. I tried to open my eyes again, but it was definitely rather dark. Faint lights of diverse colour indicated that light was an option though. Somehow, somewhen.

I was certain I had to get light now. I had to find – not Rukh. If they had allowed him to stay he would have had turned on the light already. Rukh knew me. He also knew. I looked around, taking in the approximate size of the room. It didn't look very big. But then I was on – a space ship? A space station? The ground? I didn't even know. I felt drugged. That was a good thing. I had wanted drugs.

Sarah!

I sat up with a jolt and was back on my back as fast. Carefully, I felt around the webbing which held me against the bed. It was yielding, allowing me some slow movement. To a certain extent. There was only so far I could move my arm out of the bed. Okay. Likely this was protection rather than restraint. I took a moment to get my breath again. This was no time to slack.

"Rukh?" I asked softly into the darkness. When there was no reply, I tried again a little louder. Not that I thought it would help any. If Rukh had been there... I sighed. One for the money, two for the show.

I tried to sit up again and a dim light flooded the room. It seemed enough to see by and I could recognise the shape of an approaching person. The webbing pressed against my chest and I allowed it to push me down again. I wanted to ask a million questions.

"You will rest," the Chiss told me. It was impossible to tell the age or gender in the dim light. The jumpsuit was of darkish colour and seemed to glow slightly.

"My child."

There was a silence too long for my liking.

"She is well." There was no inflection to the words. But it did not feel appealing as it had with Thrawn. Quite to the contrary it scared me. It gave me the distinct feeling that something was wrong with my daughter.

He didn't ask for her three attributes either when those had cost me long sleepless nights and several heated arguments with her father. Oh my. He was a father now. And I was a mother. Poor kid, I had absolutely no clue what I was doing.

"I want to see her." It was rather difficult to use the lor'kina when lying down and being tied down on top of it. Though, under different circumstances – I brought my mind back to the present.

"She is sleeping."

"She is my daughter."

The Chiss tilted the head backwards slightly, but I didn't wince.

"She will be brought to you when she wakes." The Chiss turned without another word and left me alone, returning me into darkness as he went.

Now that had gone well for a first contact and establishing myself in the hierarchy of the Chiss society. I closed my eyes and wished that at least Rukh was there. And while I was at it, I wished for my Grand Admiral and thought of all the things I would tell him. There were very many, very unhappy things that would necessitate pointed gestures. I fell asleep thinking of all the very pointed lor'kina I'd use on Thrawn.

I was woken because my daughter had deigned to wake up and my life was hers now. Or at least for a while. I was relieved to see that there was nothing wrong with her as far as I could see. Everything was in place, tiny toes and fingers, with fingernails included. I scrutinised the little smurf while she had breakfast, closing her blue eyes in concentration now and then.

"Where is my bodyguard?" I asked the Chiss woman standing at my bedside. I did not really expect her to know, though. I didn't even know if she was the same Chiss that I had seen before. I tried to memorise her colours, but she seemed to be wearing sensible working clothes. The brass pattern was very restrained, doing barely more than letting me know she was the first child of a minor line, unmarried and affiliated more with the medical than the military.

"The grey alien has no business being in the medical ward," I was informed precisely. There was a hint that a person like me did not really need a bodyguard either, because there was nothing actually worth protecting.

"I would like for him to visit me at the soonest possible moment." It was difficult to make this a formal request with a child in my arms.

"I will let the commander know."

Sarah was falling asleep and she held out his arms to take her back.

I managed to convey my incredulous refusal to her unbelievable expectation and pulled the blanket over myself and my child. It was a flimsy protection, but it certainly got the message across. "I vow not to indoctrinate her with rebellious ideas against the Chiss ascendancy," I told the woman who I tried to think of as a nurse.

This warranted no reply, but her lor'kina made the demand more forceful.

I looked from her to Sarah, then back to the nurse. "Umor." I wrapped my arms around my daughter. They would have to take her by force.

I don't think anybody had ever dared to use the utter refusal on the poor woman. She gave me a long hard look rippling with disapproval but she did leave without my child. I ran my hand softly over the small blue head. At least she would not stand out from afar. That might make things easier for her. Or it might not.

I felt drowsy but hungry. Unfortunately, the hunger won out and kept me awake. I wondered if there was a plan to feed me at some point during the day. There was and it was used as a rather sneaky attempt to get Sarah back from me. Still in the end I found a way to sit up and eat without giving my daughter away. I had no doubt I would only be seeing her again when she awoke and I disapproved.

After I had eaten, I was informed that 'the grey alien' was not allowed into the medical ward due to safety precautions concerning contagious diseases. I tried to stare down my nurse with no effect whatsoever. Then I shrugged a human shrug because it was really impossible to do the Chiss way while lying down and holding a child. The smurf was getting heavier by the hour too. I also began to wonder how I would ever manage to change her napkins like this. My best guess was no.

A little later the desire to wear napkins myself arose rather urgently. I did manage to sit up, the webbing had been removed after I had proven to be conscious and sane. But I was not sure I could walk. The banthas had done a thorough job and I was so shaky. And there was no way I'd risk dropping Sarah when I was not sure I could stand on my own.

I dangled my legs off the bed, rocking my smurf and humming sadly. At least Sarah seemed content. Not that I had much experience with that kind of thing. I really hoped she'd speak up, or wail up, when she wanted something.

I was saved, incredible enough, by my nurse. At least I was pretty certain it was still the same woman. "Mellanna," she stated when she returned. "I am Kres'pel'imod of the Seventh Ruling House, nurse of the Chiss Defence Fleet. The Commander will see you now." She looked me up and down making very clear what would have to happen before one was even allowed to think of putting me in the same room with the Commander.

I also noted how she did not say Crahsystor. I hoped that meant that whatever the problem was it was not important enough to bother the commander of the whole force. Though considering that this was Csilla itself, he would be a commander really high up in the food chain. "I honour the invitation, Kres'pel'imod."

"The child needs looking after," she continued. "She is only half Chiss and her readings differ. It needs attention."

I nodded, carefully handing my daughter over. I was no going to antagonise medical attentions even if I did not approve of generally stashing Sarah away from me. She was all I had right now.

I was cleaned up in record time and dressed in a baggy blue jumpsuit. Not unexpectedly blue, the colour of sink, the colour of those who didn't have other colours to show and were unable to afford them anyway. It was a shame to let such a beautiful colour carry such sad meaning.

I followed Speli, who I should remember not to address in such manner, on wobbly legs. I had gotten something that resembled medication, but I wasn't sure what or how strong it would be considering I was feeding a baby and all that. Rukh had been instructed to give the medics a datacard with my normal readings and a small medical handbook on how to make sure I stayed upright. There was no knowing how much practice a normal Chiss doctor had gotten on humans with only the Fels around. There was also no knowing what had actually happened with the data.

The commander was a man do indefinable age. It didn't help that he was also a Chiss. He looked very formal, though I could see that he hadn't bothered with the formal outfit. How was I ever supposed to know who anybody was if they didn't wear their proper robes? Well, Stent _had_ warned me. I was annoyed still. It was frustrating.

"As commander of this vessel," he skipped the introductions completely, telling me exactly what status I was currently holding, "I, Nuruodo'bai'netor, demand to know you name and intention." His lor'kina was of impeccable beauty. There was no doubting his authority. Or my definite lack of it or anything else for that matter.

Still I was determined to hold on to the place I wanted and let surprise and resignation ripple over me. The fact that I could actually use my hands to do that reminded me acutely that I did not hold my daughter. "I am Mellanna Morrison, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor," I replied calmly. "Spouse of a gor'laan who's child is to be raised as is proper."

I was strange to call Thrawn names in public. So far that had been a private pleasure, contained in the inside of my head on occasions his Admiralship had, once again, proven to be highly annoying. It felt wrong with other people listening. Unlike me, they might actually believe it.

"You come from a place called the Republic in Space Beyond." It was an accusation. The slanted set of his shoulders implied a question, but other than that he was pretty sure about it. He was not happy about it either.

Neither was I. But at least I did come from a republic that even carried that bit in its official name. So it would not be a lie if I agreed. And it certainly lay in space so beyond not even Thrawn could find it with an electron microscope. "I do, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor," I agreed, looking straight at him.

"Which House does the child claim?"

Oh, so I didn't get any house, huh? I began to wonder what kind of manners Thrawn had been teaching me. Maybe those had been out for some decades now. I would play along. As long as necessary anyway. I hunched my shoulders to show my submissive obedience. "House Mitth, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor."

Obain was again neither surprised nor happy. Whatever Thrawn had done, it had certainly had had more of an impact than he had ever admitted. Smug bastard. "I will let the Family know a child of their exiled has arrived if tests confirm the claim."

More obedience and submission. I would soon get cramps in my neck and shoulders from this. But this time their caution was only proper. Anybody could come and claim to be part of a family. As long as their skin was blue, a feature Sarah fortunately had. I did not want to think of the discussions it would have taken to simply get the bloody tests done otherwise. On the other hand, there seemed to be a very small number of exiled Mitths around if he knew exactly who we were talking about. Or even worse, a very limited number of exiled Chiss at all.

I realised he was about to dismiss me so I turned my palms towards him in question, hoping the slant of my head didn't accidentally slip into contempt. Obain was not bound to let me ask, but that would be terribly rude. And seeing from how much I knew about the Chiss he knew that I knew that as well.

"The child can stay with you. It will take work of my staff," he answered the question I was not actually asking. But thank you anyway, it was nice to know I would not have to go off on a rampage to find Sarah and get her back. I didn't let the question waver.

He gave me permission to speak with the barest hint of a nod.

"What about Rukh Clan Baikh'vair, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor?" It would take some getting used to saying those long unwieldy names all the time. But worth it, I hoped. Just because they didn't adhere to the rules of courtesy, it didn't mean I needn't. So I would. With all the decorum I knew of.

The commander gave me a long look. "We know nothing about him or his clan," he finally said. "We cannot let him walk free." Walk free or talk to me, his body language implied. Seemed Rukh and I would be able to topple the Chiss society on our own. If we believed what they believed.

"He is my friend and protector, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor." I wanted him back. Not that I could even hint at a demand there.

"Protecting you from what?" He managed to imply all kinds of things, most of which I didn't like.

"Against those who try to harm me or my child, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor."

"And why is that?" Obain made sure that I knew he saw nothing worth protecting when he looked at me.

I added a subtle warning to my body language. Rukh was dangerous. If you forced him. I hoped they did not even try and were kind. I really, really hoped. "He owes a life debt, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor." I decided to avoid the other question I might have answered here.

The commander was still looking for something that gave him a clue how somebody like I might have managed to get a life debt from as deadly fighter as Rukh. He came up empty. Good. I did not show my smugness or desire to giggle. I would keep my secrets as long as I could. And so would Rukh.

"His stay will be considered." From what I could read on Obain, the matter of a life debt was not taken lightly here. I hoped that Thrawn's predictions on how this would go would still hold up now that things hadn't gone at all as planned. At least that's what I believed. If that blue-skinned git had actually planned for me to arrive here in full birth-giving mode, I would need to have some very direct words with him. If he ever returned, that dear exiled husband of mine. I was still stumbling over that expression.

Still, if Rukh had to leave, I would provide him with a chart, a knife, and some very pointed instructions about showing Thrawn how wrong he had been and what I thought of his planning. "Please let him know I inquired after him, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor," I just said.

"Agreed."

"I thank you, Commander Nuruodo'bai'netor." I raised my hands until they were parallel to the floor and closed them into fists. I ignored his almost very well hidden surprise at my knowledge of gestures like this. He should have seen this coming from my use of the lor'kina. But hey, I was just an _aätekik__²_ of no importance.

I followed Kres'pel'imod back to the medical ward. She did actually use my name when she left to get Sarah. Of course only the core name, which was obviously Lanna, because I didn't warrant anything more than that. But I was certain to be extra polite and borderline nice to her when she brought my daughter. After all, she did acknowledge that I was a being of my own right, if probably not quite a person.

She showed me how to change napkins and held a long lecture on proper baby care. I listened attentively, because I had no idea what I was doing, really. I just held Sarah and hoped things would work out. And that she'd let me know if anything was amiss. Cleaned up and fed, she looked like going to sleep though.

Obligingly I began to hum lullabies, none of which found her approval. Tired babies that do not fall asleep are a nuisance. Cranky and with no idea why I went through all songs I remembered until I finally found one she liked. I was so happy she started to calm down that I did not care it was Mordred's Lullaby. It worked. What else could I desire?

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

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* * *

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* gor'laan – exile, outcast, somebody whose name was broken,

² aätekik – strong insult indicate the other has no House, is of alien heritage and generally worth nothing


	4. 002

Author's note:

Information about the layout of my Csaplar can now be found on the accompanying livejournal: TRIDU

tridu . livejournal 1191 . html

* * *

Two

I found out very soon that six hours undisturbed sleep were what I desired. Sarah had no inkling of good sleeping manners. I had no clock to know how long she let me sleep. Not that there was anything else to do. So I slept when she slept and was awake when she woke and practised what I hoped to be good mothering skills. So far it was easy enough since all she did was eat, sleep and poop. For once in my life I had been really lucky.

Sarah was a calm child, not too much screaming and easy to please. It was really nice to watch her calm down when all I did was pick her up. I was left with no toys but what I could make from the things around us. I had knotted a pillow case into the best approximation of a doll possible for her to play with once. But the next time Speli dropped by she made very clear that this was improper behaviour. After she left I let out a sigh, thinking of the boxes of toys on board of the _Liberty_. Heaven knew when and if I'd see them again.

It had been a day to remember, too, when I had stormed up to Stent and told him in no uncertain terms that I was not willing to leave my galaxy without toys for my child. She might have to grow up in a different civilisation, but, just in case, I'd like to bring some building block, a rocking horse and –. That was the moment Stent had handed me over to Baron Fel who had very quickly called his wife who had understood perfectly. We had then spent a very agreeable afternoon making a list of all the things I wanted. A few days later a special delivery had arrived, containing what I considered necessary.

I moped for a while because Legos seemed unknown. There were building blocks of all kinds though, some sticking together very nicely. The rocking horse looked like a llama-bear. The teddies looked like any number of animal crossovers. I sat down to create a little ich-bin-ich because that was something I could do from the top of my head. It looked just like another normal animal among the bunch.

I was glad I had not tried that on the pillow case. Nurse Speli might have found it necessary to use more than words on me. I also tried to convince Sarah, that she actually liked any other song for a lullaby but Mordred's. I was not successful with that at all. I needed better lyrics for that if I didn't want to scar her for life.

So I had absolutely no idea how long it took the Mitth Family to make up their minds. In the end the news was so unimportant that Speli delivered it. "They have accepted the child."

I turned to look at her. "When do we leave?"

"Who said _you_ were going anywhere?" I was not sure if it was a challenge or a test. Not that it mattered.

It was lucky I was already holding Sarah, because otherwise I would have snatched her up. "The child will go nowhere without her mother."

"And you are in a position to decide this?"

"I am." I left no place for doubt; a triple exclamation mark could have taken lessons from me.

"We will see." She turned to lead the way. It wasn't as if I had to pack. Nothing in this room belonged to me. I hadn't gotten back the clothes I had been wearing. Somehow it felt like a deja vu.

"What will I be taking with me from my ship?" I wanted to know.

"Nothing." Speli filled the pause with an explanation marker so I didn't push. Finally she had found a proper way to tell me the reasons. "The ship itself will stay property of the Chiss Defence Fleet until declared common knowledge. Then it will be returned to House Mitth." Well that was good to know. I felt very included already. "The items on board, as far as declared harmless, will be returned to you. They have already been taken planetside."

I wondered where the 'Expansionary' of the Chiss fleet had gone to until Speli's words sunk in. House Mitth had my things. I was sure they had had a look at it already and the image of a bunch of Chiss rummaging through my things did not amuse me. Not even if they were to become family. Especially not when they were to become family.

I wondered what they would make of my private stockpile of tea and chocolate. I wondered what was in all the other boxes Stent had loaded before I left. It suddenly made a horrible kind of sense to pack a lot of things I didn't know and didn't care about. The House could hardly keep my things and not me. I was being sold to them. Or I could call it dowry and see if that made me feel better. I was optimistic now that I could stay. Between Thrawn and Stent there was nothing that could go wrong with the dowry.

"You will need it," Stent had simply said. He wasn't one to disbelieve.

"Of course I know," Thrawn had replied when I told him about the incident anyway. "Stent does nothing without my permission."

Unfortunately, this did not tell me if Stent had acted on explicit orders or had a carte blanche from Thrawn. Probably the latter. It was no wonder those two had taken over a small part of the galaxy all by themselves. "I just thought I would be more involved in the going-ons in my life by now." I tried to pout.

"Considering your current forgetfulness would make that a liability," he just said. "I am told it is a common side effect of pregnancy."

"Well, I haven't forgotten about that," I told him and patted the bulge that was uncomfortably huge by then.

"A mere coincidence, I am certain," Thrawn replied.

I missed him terribly.

I didn't think that being faced with his whole family would improve that any. Even if it was only his new family. The concept of merit-families was still giving me headaches.

Two red clad guards awaited us in the hangar. They ignored me and turned to Speli after a short glance at Sarah.

"This is the child," my nurse told them in a very official manner, "and her mother."

I was glad to finally warrant an introduction. Even if it was just as mother of. It was likely unwise to insist on a relationship with an exiled guy of bad standing.

"Thank you, Kres'pel'imod," one guard replied. Either this was a formal occasion or the mere presence of a pariah called for full names. "We appreciate the patience with our House."

Speli indicated formal acceptance of an obligation easily repaid. She was already half gone by the time she had straightened up again, leaving me alone with the guards. I was forgotten like the blip on somebody else's radar.

I looked around, but there was no sign of Rukh anywhere. I began to worry in earnest. Still there was nothing I could do but follow the silent figures into the oddly shaped vessel. It should not be possible for a spaceship to be shaped oddly, but the flowing curves and angles all seemed somewhat off. The inside was functional with no frilly bits, but also no Rukh. If I didn't get to see him soon, or at least got news about him, the Eighth Ruling Family would be very unhappy about knowing me at all. If it wasn't already.

Transfer was silent and seemed to take forever. There was nothing to be seen as the only window was likely in the cockpit. I would have liked to see the planet I was to live on for the time coming. When I arrived, I had been too busy having contractions to take a good look. Okay, it was a glorified ice-cube, but still it would have been nice to see it hang in space, maybe catch a glimpse of the transit stations against the never-ending white. It wasn't often you found a people that decided to live below kilometres of ice.

Not that I was keen to join them. The idea of being holed in indefinitely under ice or anything held no appeal for me at all. I'd rather be separated from vacuum by nothing but a thin sheet of metal than buried alive. Not that I had a choice. I looked down at Sarah and wondered when she would see her first bit of real sky. Would she even believe it had the same colour as her eyes? What did the 'sky' look like down there? And how did you even live there, let alone plants and animals? Unfortunately, I was about to find out.

Only not quite immediately. I was chivvied through several transports, none of which had a view. After the shuttle had landed I went through nondescript corridors to something that looked like a train station into what looked like a very short train. Again, there were no windows. Not that there would have been much to see. Most of Csilla's transport system was drilled through ice and stone. There was nothing to see at all.

I should have been more nervous and less bored. I was going to see my future family. And as it tends to be with family, you could not chose it. I mean, you could if you were a capable Chiss but I was neither. And I already had a family. I tried not to think of what my mum would say if she could see me now. Apart from 'oh my God, it's all blue', that is. It would be better not to think about it. At least not now when I was still to meet people and looking all read and puffy was not an option.

I concentrated on the lack of a view again. But then, what had I expected? To be wrong? Really? Not that it wouldn't have been nice to arrive and find that for mysterious reasons Thrawn and Stent were wrong about the state of Csilla and the ice had thawed. I wondered what would actually happen if it did. Would Csilla turn from ice-cube to water-world? In that case the Chiss would likely just change the make-up of the domes over their cities and go on as if nothing had happened.

Eventually we arrived at Csaplar Central, or above it, to be more precise. Long-distance travel was underground, but within the cities the Chiss saw no reason to have no view either. So they had built their public transport under their ceilings. It looked like a strangely inverted version of the overhead railway in Wuppertal. It was probably a lot of work to keep those in place and working.

I looked down at the big buildings in Central trying to recognise something from the images I had seen. But we were gone to fast. The trip was short as the anero* of the Ruling houses were located within the first ring of the city. The train went through a short tunnel of ice leading into the next bubble. The station loomed up like a grey steel flower, rails into other directions blossoming away from the stalk planting it firmly in the middle of the ice-domed Mitth District, also known as District Eight. There was no time for crossovers, though. We fell to the ground in an intricate elevator system that was not going only two directions.

Though private cars were strictly for important events, there was one to pick us up while we had not even left the building if the station. Likely because even this was less conspicuous than herding me through the streets. I held on to Sarah while trying to look at the streets and houses and gardens. It looked all oddly normal for being under several kilometres of ice. The street was very straight and rather narrow, but then it was rarely used. Wide walkways flanked it, paved in intricate patterns.

The houses seemed all to be made for living. I saw no obvious shops or businesses. The architecture felt odd, though not for obvious reasons. It was as if somebody had taken human standards, tilted them sideways and added a few extra angles. It should not be possible considering none of the houses reached higher than four storeys.

The anero of House Mitth was tucked away in a corner, giving it privacy. A rare commodity in a society as constricted as this. There was literally nowhere to go. I craned my neck to look up. The sky was made of light grey marble. There was no sun or single source of light visible. Despite being no higher than a few hundred meters, it did not feel oppressive. Yet.

And there it was, two and a half storeys of unabashed grandeur. The colour of the stone made me realise why House Csapla claimed bronze. It seemed to glow with warmth, tiny splinters of some mineral glittering in the light. We drove past the face of the house with its big windows and fake pillars. That was a good sign, I decided. I would be received as a personal guest of the wen'eran'ok and not-, my thoughts got all tangled up as I tried to think them in basic. I couldn't even find a proper expression for the person leading the family due to all its associations and implications.

She was the one making the calls. Or he in other families. And actually the word implied a couple, though it was used in the singular form. I liked how it literally meant nothing but first in the family but the funny splitting and compounding of Cheunh implied by morpheme that it was a woman. I began to feel a little nervous after all. Taking a deep breath, I stepped out of the car. Gravel crunched under my feet and it was a most beautiful noise. Somewhere in the distance a strange bird called and received an answer just as strange. A small breath of wind would have made things perfect, but where would I ever get wind from down here.

I straightened my lor'kina, unable to tug at the jumpsuit while holding Sarah. She opened one big blue eye as if letting me know she understood how important this was. I bent down to kiss her which she interpreted as licence to grab my hair. "Nokv'all," I whispered. _Later_. If there was a later.

The guards did not even look impatient. It was more as if they wondered why they were standing out here when there was obviously nothing out here at all. I looked at the seat of power that was to decide on my future. _I can do this_, I told myself. _Because if I don't..._

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

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* anero – the estate of a Ruling Family in Csaplar where the main line lives


	5. 003

Three

The inside of the mansion was surprisingly simple. Plain wooden floors, walls punctuated only now and then with a painting. I was ready to bet it was not cheap simplicity, though. We turned left and I entered the main parlour. It was huge, really huge. It was also representing and doing a very good job of it. Straight ahead, in the middle of the room, great double doors led to the balcony, which I would not get to see for some time. Turning to the left again, I was finally faced with fate. She looked amazing.

Mitth'orr'arash, leader of the first family of of Mitth, forokintaän of the Eight Ruling House, was beautiful. She was at least in her sixties as well, but who cared? Her features were chiselled with determination and the lines on her face had been earned by duty. I felt the urge to bow, but I might have dropped Sarah. I inclined my head low instead.

I also stopped right where the guards stopped pushing me. My mind raced with all the things Thrawn had told me and missing him almost hurt bodily. Sarah let out a complaining wail as I held on to her too tightly. Poor little sod.

"Aäete'terfe'ygeog'laan," _You bring us the child of an exiled_, Thorra said, her whole body bristling.

I wanted to bristle back at the use of aäete, but could not. It was the word I was going to hear most the coming time. The word telling me I was nobody. "Uki'urech'areto, Mitth'orr'arash" I agreed instead, my head still bowed in subordination.

Getting up from the elaborate chair she had been sitting on, the head of the Mitth family approached me. She held out her hands and I gave her my child. Not that I felt very good about it.

"She has a rightful claim to a place in our family," Thorra went on. She looked up from the tiny blue face. "What do you have?"

My daughter, I was tempted to snap. But I didn't. I could snap and rage all I wanted, once I had a place in this world. But until then I would smile and wave. "I only bring what you have seen, Mitth'orr'arash. I came to fulfil her father's wish and this I will do."

"And her father wishes for her to grow up a Chiss?"

"Her father wishes her to grow up a Chiss, Mitth'orr'arash." I didn't know how to politely say that her father also very much wished to return. "She is a child of two worlds, but he wishes this to be the primary one." For a moment I looked up at her, establishing a direct line of sight. "He would have come himself, but he cannot. So he sent me." I bowed back into submission, adding a question with half curled fingers.

Thorra looked back at Sarah, then returned her to me. "This is the purpose you claim?"

"The only purpose I have, Mitth'orr'arash." I felt much better with Sarah close to me. "Do I need another?" I tried to express concern, but holding a child did make that difficult.

"Of course not. But there are claims already that your true purpose is another."

My surprise was not faked. Those people were fast. I wondered what was going on in their heads. "I know of nothing, Mitth'orr'arash." I turned my head in half the question I could ask without using my hands.

"It is said you have come to campaign for the gor'laan." Thorra was unreadable. Her lor'kina was not actually shut down, but frozen in a neutral stance. "It is said that your true goal is his return."

"A banishment can only be revoked by a unanimous vote of the Council of Houses," I replied. "I am flattered that anybody should consider me capable of changing the minds of the appointed rules of Csilla single-handedly."

"That remains to be seen." I was not sure what Thorra wanted to say with that. The mere idea that I might not be alone in my quest was heartening. Still the reception could have been warmer. "Your ship has been confiscated." She made it look as if that was my fault. Maybe it was for not using one of the more Chissified vessels of the Empire of the Hand.

"As it should be," I let her know. "I have been told that my belongings have been taken, though." I wanted to indicated that I very much wanted my stuff back, but Sarah was very much in the way of that. So I just sighed inwardly and hoped things would proceed in a direction I liked. Naturally, they didn't.

"You cannot leave. But what if you cannot stay?"

Actually, I was more than ready to leave right then. Thorra was intimidating in a way Thrawn had never been. Yes, he was a twisted, smug, blue-skinned know-it-all, but in comparison with Thorra he had always been warm like a fatherly friend. I wondered if Csilla had frozen over because of the frosty attitude of its inhabitants. It did not seem that unlikely.

"If I cannot stay, I can leave, Mitth'orr'arash," I replied as calm as I could. "I am sure my belongings are of enough value to refuel."

There was the tiniest of glitters in her eyes. "Let us talk about that." She led the way out of the room. I shot a glance at the guards, but they were unconcerned, staying right where they were. With a shrug I followed Thorra. I was also suddenly very concerned about soothing Sarah who had not liked the shrug at all. This was definitely too much tension for a baby.

Thorra led me back through the corridor I had come through, but instead of turning to the doors, she went straight ahead. Her pace quickened as she led through her private salon and study. I made a point of not looking. This was private territory and though I needed to pass through it right now, I had no rights to it.

We passed a last door and came to the official social rooms of the House. My absentee husband had obviously forgotten to tell me about the stained glass windows. I did what I could not to stare and keep my mouth shut. I was pretty sure the motives were stylised figures and scenes, but what really got me was that most of the glass was grey. Light greys and dark grey, marbled and clear. It looked as if I had dreamt it up, if I had ever had had the mind to think of something as amazingly beautiful as grey glass.

The room, and as such the window, was running along the whole face of the building and could be turned into a huge hall or compartmented into rooms of the necessary size of any social event. Right now they were walled of about in the middle. There was a lot of empty space ahead. And in the middle of the great hall sat my belongings.

Not that I took much note, because right next to my belongings, Rukh stood. He looked healthy and hale, but I was anxious even as we approached. He gave me a small nod and a weight I hadn't known about fell from my chest.

"Are you okay? Did they treat you well?" I asked him in basic.

Rukh nodded, just when Thorra cut in from behind.

"What are you talking?" She had not even stooped to the aäete this time, but straight out insulted me with aätekik.

I faced her slowly, putting as much dignity into the movement as I could. Thrawn would have done better preparing me to speak lor'kina with my hands full. "I have asked him if he is well, Mitt'orr'arash," I said slowly. "I was not allowed to see him for a long time."

"And you speak to him in a language we don't understand." Another accusation.

"I do, Mitth'orr'arash, speak to him in a language _he_ understands. I am sorry if there are no translators around you trust."

"He is of no importance," she changed the topic. "What is all this?"

I bent down, though not very far, to give Sarah to Rukh. The Noghri took her with a practised ease that made me jealous. Speli had had to show me how to hold a child. Whatever else I was naturally good at, mothering was not it. I would take the time to be properly put out by that later.

Now I concentrated on the stacks of things in the middle of the room. I had not seen most of it before. There was furniture of polished wood, what I decided had to be art, and things for everyday use like plates and cutlery. All of it was unsurprisingly beautiful and right to my taste. I turned back to Thorra after surveying it. Despite its beauty and how much I might actually want it, I could easily do without all of this. My stupid, exiled husband knew me too well.

"It is my equipment for a new life, Mitth'orr'arash. Anything I might need or want." I ran my fingers along some boxes that contained chocolate and tea if their labels were to be trusted. My damned husband could speak of luck he wasn't here right now to receive a friendly throttling from me.

"And what made you think you would need this?"

"I just wanted to be prepared, Mitth'orr'arash." I indicated the furniture. "I have been living on space ships for the last years and not owning anything can make it seem prudent to bring whatever you can to a new place where you cannot be sure anything will be provided." This was half an insult. I was very polite about I, though.

"The gor'laan has left his surroundings intact," Thorra told me. If Chiss were to get haughty, she was doing it right now. "Anything one can require for a life was his and is still."

I pretended to consider this for a moment. "If I was allowed to pick up where he left, Mitth'orr'arash," I finally said, "I would have no need of any of this." I indicated the household stuff. "I will make an argument for a part of these, though," I continued, pointing at the boxes of tea and chocolate. "But I will not compromise on that." Rukh had had the foresight to take up position next to my personal belongings. The two suitcases and duffel bag looked tiny and lonely next to the stacks of goods.

"Is this so?" The forokintaän let her gaze sweep through the room. "It needs consideration."

"I will wait, Mitth'orr'arash." I began to wonder if people never got bothered by that full name crap. I was doing it for twenty minutes now and had it up to here. I lowered myself to the ground beside Rukh, taking Sarah back.

"Now that could have gone better," I sighed when we were alone.

"It has gone no different than expected," he growled back.

"What I said," I nodded. "But tell me, have they really treated you well?"

From what Rukh told my, they actually had. We exchanged our stories in low murmurs, coming up with likely scenarios and ways out of any mess conceivable.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	6. 004

Four

When Thorra returned I had the distinct feeling that her absence had been more to observe some kind of protocol than because she had actually considered anything.

"The House has decided to let you stay and raise your daughter," she proclaimed. "Any claim she has to our name, you have not. Time will tell if you ever will."

I stood up while she made her little speech. It was a less than I had hoped for but I got to stay. So step one of the gazillion step plan implemented. Things could only look up from here.

"Your bodyguard may stay, if you vouch for him sufficiently." There was a challenge in her stance for what had I to offer I could swear on.

With my hands free I could gesture a contract agreed on, turning my hands towards the Head of House Mitth to indicate I was offering. "I will vouch for him, forokintaän Mitth'orr'arash, with my life and the life of my daughter; I will vouch that he will not harm anybody," I turned slightly, spreading my fingers a little to fill the pause with a condition not negotiable, "unless they try to harm my daughter or myself."

She regarded me for a log moment, looked to Rukh who held Sarah like he had been born a frigging babysitter instead of killer machine. Tiny blue fingers tried to reach his face. Even this could not make him look harmless. He ignored me and the forokintaän as if our conversation had nothing to do with him.

"What makes you think you need this kind of protection?" Thorra demanded.

"Nothing, Mitth'orr'arash," I replied. "Which is why I think everybody should be perfectly safe."

After another moment she turned her own palms towards he body, draining all other body language away. The matter was closed. Finally. I didn't dare show my relief. "The fourth wing is currently empty. The gor'laan's successor has not yet chosen a merit-heir. You may live there." She looked at Sarah. "It would have been hers to grow up in. I assume you have already chosen her attributes."

I raised my hands in agreement.

"The name-giving will be small. Do not expect the core family to be all present."

I agreed again. What else was there to do. And on the positive side, she had not challenged me to the attributes and I would likely get away with them. Which was as it should be because I had gotten used to calling her Sarah already.

I took the aforementioned from Rukh, slung my duffel bag over my shoulder and wondered if I could carry a suit case on top of that. Then I decided to rather go twice.

"Sawe." Thorra left the way we had come.

It was not actually word of parting, but I appreciated it anyway. I found the stairs all on my own and trudged up with Rukh in tow. The upper level was as simplistically expensive as the lower had been. The polished floors gleamed and their inlay patterns meandered through the whole storey. I could not make out the places where walls would be put up if needed. I was sure, though, that the patterns would be as beautiful as they were now.

The doors to the private quarters were not quite hidden. They blended into the bronze wall, the pattern carved around the frame blended in with the alcoves spaced along the wall, but the browpiece gave it away.

Either Chiss knew no locks, or locked doors were impolite or you just didn't walk into people's flats even if you could. I would find out. Right then I was just happy that I didn't have to turn back and ask for keys. The study looked empty and forlorn. Clearly nobody had used it in a while. We crossed it and followed the short corridor into the private parlour. Throwing my bag into the sleeping room without looking much I went ahead.

"Will you be okay in the second nursery?" I asked Rukh. Thorra had been gracious enough to let him stay, but there were no provisions made for him. I wondered if he had ever had a home of his own. Or if he ever would. Another reason to succeed with this madness.

"I will be fine," he assured me. The growled basic was tugging at my heartstrings. "I will also be close to Sarah in case of need."

I nodded. The set up was probably sensible in some weird Chiss way. I'd just have to wrap my mind around it. And maybe find the Chiss equivalent of a baby monitor. The nursery looked barren. There was a crib. At least I thought it was. It looked like a stranded tree house, leaning against a wall with a canopy of some gauzy cloth. The mattress was at waist height, or would be if you were a normally grown Chiss. For me it was more rib height. But there was a rail probably high enough to prevent the baby from climbing out.

Rukh paced the room checking for things important to a bodyguard like exits, what was outside the window and where the walls might not be quite as wall-y as expected. He returned with a satisfied nod.

In the meantime I had rummaged the cupboards for blankets and pillows and things that might pass for clothing. There seemed to be enough of everything; there were even some toys. Building blocks looked the same everywhere, I guessed.

"I'm scared," I confessed. I knew I should lay Sarah down in her new crib or leave her with Rukh and get the rest of my things, but I couldn't bear the thought of letting her go. Somehow I doubted that was due to burgeoning mothering skills and more because I was utterly afraid of being alone here. What had I gotten myself into?

"I can get the remaining suit cases," Rukh offered.

Taking a deep breath, I shook my head. If I even started giving in to my fears, there would be no end to it. And where would that lead me? Not where I wanted to be for sure.

"I'll live." It was almost a whisper. Then I laid my daughter down gently. Leaving her with Rukh in the room was no real solution, but at least I felt I could leave her like that. I measured my steps back to the main social rooms. Running would do no good. Nothing would do any good.

I grabbed the remaining bags trudging right back. Through the windows to my left I could see into the atrium and adjoining garden. Despite myself, I stopped and stared. A copse of gnarly trees were in full bloom, looking as if they had been smothered in white crocuses. I had always wanted a garden (one I did not have to take care of) with a magnolia. I set my lips into a hard line and blinked away the tears.

Since Rukh was looking after Sarah, I decided to stretch my anxiety to its limits and to start unpacking. The sleeping room was stylish. Not much more than a room to sleep in, though. Since it was nestled into the adjoining rooms there was no natural light. Gah, who was I fooling? There wasn't a ray of natural light on this whole godforsaken planet.

A huge bed dominated the room. Chiss were tall and it was reflected in the length of the bed. It was also surprisingly high. If I ever rolled out of this, I might just hurt myself bad. I would have to remember that. The frame was of a dark red-brown wood that contrasted with the bronze walls. Had Chiss never heard of wallpaper? I ran my hand over the stone.

There were shelves chiselled into the wall beside the head of the bed and a shelf and low chest of drawers lined the walls beside it. I wondered if I had anything to put there. What could you ever want close to your bed, when you were only there to sleep? Apart from kinky stuff which I definitely would not keep on a shelf.

I sighed and dragged the suit cases into the closet opposite of the bathroom. The bathroom itself was irritating with its three doors. Still, there was a huge tub sitting against the far wall looking very inviting. Washbasins were locate at the sides of the door from the bed room. And there were more shelves and cupboards. I hoped they were already stacked with a few towels because I had no idea if Thrawn or Stent had packed any. I sure hadn't.

The closet was huge. Even with the now considerable amount of clothing I owned it looked empty. Maybe my estimation of 'a lot of clothes' was just off. I considered four pairs of trousers to be quite a lot. I could put ten times that in here and still have barely scratched the surface.

Finally I returned to the nursery. "You can go and unpack," said, glancing at my sleeping child. She took this better than me, that much was sure.

"I already have," Rukh replied.

I opened my mouth. Then I closed it again. He had made his point and what was I going to do, really? Snap at him? I sat down next to the crib instead. "I don't know what to do next."

"What do you want to do?"

Return to the _Chimaera_, or maybe to Nirauan at least. Neither was an option, though. There had to be something I could realistically do. Explore the flat? I did not feel like that. It looked empty and un-lived in. Hotel rooms had more of a personal touch. I remembered the trees.

"I want to see the garden." I got up. Through the window I could see a piece of grey marble sky. It felt uncomfortably close. I wondered how far it really was. A few hundred meters, a kilometre, even more? How far was the sky on earth? And how would you measure that, considering there was no fixed barrier that had 'sky' written all over it.

For a moment I wondered whether to take Sarah along or not. But how could I leave her here, when I only could only guess at how she would be taken care off. And when I was in the garden, I would not hear her wake up. And I did not intend to leave Rukh behind. It was not as if I was going to climb trees. Or if I really had to, I could still trust Rukh with Sarah.

"Sorry, kid," I mumbled as I picked her up again.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	7. 005

Five

The gardens were amazing and I was instantly in love. The copse of blooming trees turned out to be but part of an arrangement that separated the formal garden between the wings of the house from a more landscape garden part further back. The meticulously kept flower beds in the first part reminded me of the geometric gardens in French châteaus. All of the flowers seemed to be blooming and the air was heavily scented with sweet and strange, foreign smells.

The paths we followed were paved, but even in a way to be eerie. The stone was not of the warm bronze the house had been built with. They mirrored the grey coloured glass windows with patterns that meant nothing to me. Now and then muted hues of burgundy wound into the grey, looping, meandering and vanishing again.

The ground rose slightly, falling gently towards an actual pond. Why the hell had Thrawn never lost a word about any of this? Okay, gardens were strictly recreational here and there was no way you could make a statement with them, but bloody hell, if this wasn't a statement, I didn't know what was.

The whole planet lived underground! Space was scarce, valuable, luxury. And yet here it was, squandered on a spacious private garden. At the side of the pond a huge tree with drooping branches stood, it's leaves greyish teal contrasting wildly with the dark red-brown bark. Something smelled numbingly of lilies of the valley and roses.

I pushed away the long branches and found that somebody here was thinking very like me. A small bench stood against the trunk, big enough for two people who wanted to sit close to each other*. I didn't want to sit. Instead I looked at Rukh whose face betrayed nothing. The swaying wall of leaves gave the impression of perfect privacy.

I was about to wonder why Thrawn had never mentioned any of this, because that bastard had reasons for everything, when the branches on the opposite were lifted and a Chiss woman stepped under the canopy. She looked old, her hair was greying. I had never heard of that but it was good to know that should I grow old and die here, at least my hair would assimilate nicely.

Deep lines accentuated a face that had seen hard decisions. She did not look hard, but she was definitely not one to take lightly. She wore a casual shirt and wide trousers in burgundy, an almost invisible grey pattern was either printed or stitched onto the fabric. It was nothing official. Another oversight of my dear husband. Chiss casual clothes.

I lowered my head, assuming that submission was a good idea no matter who she was. With my status, I would show submission to the least of the household personnel, provided there was any.

She scrutinised me closely. Her eyes seemed to burn right through me and if she had been a blood relative, I would have known where Thrawn had that from. "Aäete'keth'ua", _you're it_, she said finally.

Oh yes, I was not a she, I was an it. I was not only a non-person without status and built-in imperative, I was also an it. As well as I could with my arms full, I agreed. I didn't know what to answer, especially since I had no name to attach to the sentence. Considering my non-status that would be utterly rude. It was a very neat trick to keep people silent, I realised.

The woman walked around me, looking over Rukh on her way. When she came to a halt in front of me again, she tilted her head back and held out her hands in an order.

I blinked slowly to express my resentment and handed over Sarah as slowly.

"Her attributes?" She didn't even look up.

But she would, eventually, when I didn't answer. I turned my shoulder in the opposite as my hips and curled my fingers to add a question to my confusion. How _could_ I answer her without breaking protocol?

When I did not reply, the Chiss woman looked up, studied my stance and raised a brow. That seemed to be an indicator of a question anywhere. "You can speak to me."

"I have no name to address you with." I plastered respect all over myself. This was forward.

"You are family." I wondered how I could be aäete and still family.

A small, very short and bitter smile flickered over my lips. "I am not," I replied apologetically. "She is." I indicated Sarah with a glance.

The burning eyes wandered from me to my daughter who had the hopefully good timing for opening her own and reaching for the shiny above her. I'd never get over the size of her tiny fingers. "Chaätik" _half-blood_, the woman insulted my child. And there was nothing I could do. "She won't have it easy."

I found myself looking into her glowing eyes again. "Nobody ever does." I felt my muscles beginning to cramp from being forced into respectful submission for so long. The lor'kina was supposed to be fluid.

"No, we don't." Despite Sarah being a despicable half-blood, she was allowed to play with a long, blue finger. Sarah tried to eat it without much success. I wondered why the woman allowed it. She was by far not old enough to be senile, not in this universe. "Have you chosen her attributes already?"

That seemed to be a real big thing. I had known it would be somewhat of interest, but I slowly got the feeling it was downright importation. "We have."

That earned me another of those stares. Was it because we had chosen already or because I had let slip that I had not chosen alone? I wished I could make more sense of the Chiss.

"Tell me." She left no space for excuses. I hoped that counted for something in case it was not allowed or frowned upon or putting me into a bad light any other way. Not that anybody apart from me was likely to care.

"Aped'lad'ikar, rokat, ape'tiker." _Wisdom through experience, Endurance, Forgiveness. _We had even managed to give her an attribute from each parent, provided I ever got a Chiss name for myself. It was all very clever, even if I felt like a walking cliché for contributing the forgiveness to Sarah's name while Thrawn gave the endurance. There were some things that ended up like that because life did not adhere to any standard of educational example.

"Good." She returned my daughter. "You can call me Mitth'kel'arash. Barring the option to call you aätekik, what is suitable?"

"Lanna, Mitth'kel'arash."

"In the end, that will not do." She gave me a last once-over and left in the direction of the house.

I decided that maybe sitting down was not the worst ideas of all. I stared balefully at Rukh, but he only shrugged. I played a little with Sarah to calm myself, making funny noises when it became clear the my eyes lacked the shiny-factor she expected. Poor little sod.

"She is on your side, though." Rukh crouched down beside me. "If there is any faction in the anero against you at all."

I envied him his certainty. But then, unlike most daughters in law I had not come to take their son from them. Quite to the contrary. They would be busy making plans of their own right now. All I could think of was surviving the day. And maybe the week. And then maybe another.

"They are very different from what I expected," I murmured.

"You can easily adapt to the familiar context without repercussions," my bodyguard lectured me. "A mistake in public is not that easy to redeem."

"True." As so often I just wished to curl up and wait until everything was over. But this was life and as an option curling up and waiting until it was over was a very bad one. So we toured the rest of the garden instead. The end was hidden cleverly by high plants you could sometimes call trees. But there was definitely a high fence and the 'sky' felt close enough to touch. The thin film of water on the ice made it shine more brightly this close up.

We found some more small benches tucked away in quiet corners, the park version of a forest including some rocks and a waterfall, a meadow abounding in 'wild' flowers, things like that. Rukh suggested doing some easy and slow forms to keep my muscles smooth but I didn't want to put Sarah down on foreign soil. The shared parlour turned out to be big enough for the exercise. It would still suffice when I got back to more lively sports. The fact that I was looking forward to that had me worried. But then it was time for dinner and I had to save up all my worries for that.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

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*description stolen from 'Desiree' by Annemarie Selinko


	8. 006

Six

Dinner had gone surprisingly well. For one thing, not everybody of the First Family was present. Mitth'kel'arash's husband was dead, so he was excused. Mitth'orr'arash, who had taken Thrawn's place, was there with her husband, Mitt'hirb'arash, but their three children were out. The eldest on a project at the headquarters of the Chiss Expansionary Defense Fleet at Naporar, one completing training at the military academy and the youngest at boarding school on Copero. Somehow I remembered family life differently.

The food was simple in comparison to what my dear ex Grand Admiral had put me through. A choice of warm and cold sauces, things to dip into them, or break into pieces and eat once they were soaked and funny plates with many shallow dents to hoard the sauces and foods. It was all very foreign. I wondered what they would think about a sandwich.

Conversation was also easy. Nobody actually asked me anything, so I did not have to answer. Thirba had introduced himself so I could address anybody should I feel like it which I didn't. Instead I tried to listen to the Cheunh flowing over my head like a fast river. Nobody bothered to slow down any or use less contracted versions as Stent and the others on Nirauan had done. Half the time I felt properly lost.

Add to that, that I had only the barest idea what they were actually talking about and you had my dinner in a nutshell.

"Thkela said your chosen attributes are acceptable," Thorra addressed me towards the end of the meal.

"That is very kind of her." I prayed that the intonation had been correct and there had been an audible separation of the two 'a's. It was so easy to insult people with their pronouns here. But using full names to avoid that was weakness and gave you an even worse standing. Since the table did not break into a riot, I guessed that I had been close enough.

The silence threatening to swallow me told me that _some_thing was still off. I was pretty certain Thorra and Thkela were discussing something with their body language and Thorra prevailed which was not surprising seeing how she was the forokintaän. Thkela accepted what was possibly a responsibility but did not look too beat. Thirba ignored them, probably aware of the subject. I would have a lot to brush up on if I wanted to hold my own.

"Since we are all here, we can make them official now," Thorra announced.

Stumped again. I would have known exactly what to do at an official event for this. Sitting over a half-finished dessert (non-chocolate) put me at an extreme disadvantage again. I wrecked my brain for a possible adoption of the ceremony. To gain more time, I put down the cutlery neatly and spread my fingers before me with the palms facing down. Sarah was not even here, but with Rukh back in our rooms.

I bowed my head, still looking at them and repeated the words in my head a few times. I really should not be this nervous. Trying to make a good impression would hinder me as much as it would do anything else, likely more so. Slowly I raised my head and turned my hands to be at a right angle with the ground. If I was to make an official statement, I would make it as an equal.

"Aped'lad'ikar, rokat, nok ape'tiker." I made the required pause. "For wisdom without kindness is nothing and only endurance will lead her there."

For the first time I had the feeling that Thirba actually noticed I was there. All of them raised their hands slightly, showing their palms in acceptance. And that was that. At least it meant I would not have to face a big group of Chiss from this House and others for the name-giving ceremony. I had to look at the up-side.

And I could tell somebody about it. Though Rukh didn't offer any interpretation, just being able to talk about the incident made me feel better. The problem of a room and two halls between Sarah and me had not been solved.

"I have researched." Rukh surprised me yet again. "The problem does not usually arise as the children have a nursemaid who will stay with them."

I looked around but found nowhere for the imaginary nursemaid to sleep. The room opposite the hall was supposedly a nursery as well. I wondered if a bed of appropriate size was in it and if it would be possible to carry over here. Then I did the other thing I could think of. "Where would she sleep?" I asked Rukh.

He showed all his teeth in that endearing smile of sudden death. "You are not completely a lost case."

"If you refer to my inability to ask for help when needed, you might be right. But I am still trying to solve everything on my own first."

"I have been told that the social structures of the Chiss society will work wonders on this." He walked down into the playing corner where he reached out for the border that ran around the room. With a short twist the wall was convinced to spit out a bed big enough for a Chiss to sleep on comfortably.

"Oh."

"Nobody needs to mention the universally known," he said.

"I feel bad that you don't have your own place. Again." Would he forever be living in rooms close to mine because? The idea still rubbed me all wrong.

"I have chosen," he just said. "And it is not up to you to judge my choice. I have slept in places much worse. You can alleviate your conscience by achieving your mission as soon as possible and rendering retirement on the new home planet of the Noghri possible to me."

"I will." Not that I believed for a second he would go. Especially if he believed there was still some danger for me or Sarah he could avert. Getting a child had seemed a logical enough thing considering this plan. I should have, maybe, thought about what that meant for Rukh, though.

"You will put your own life before hers," he had explained. "That makes it imperative for me to protect her as well."

And he was right. Probably. Possibly. Soon enough. I looked down at my sleeping daughter and was not quite sure I wanted to die in her stead. But then I had only had her for a few days. "If she dies, I must leave," I murmured.

"Another reason to keep her safe." Rukh appeared at my side. "And by the time you can stay even if she is gone, you will take the planet apart in revenge, with a spoon if necessary."

I tried to smile. "I wished I had your certainty."

"You will."

He was probably seeing that in my eyes or the way I was tempted to stroke her face. "And what if I fail? What if I am the most horrible mother ever?"

"House Mitth will make up for that." I really should know better than asking questions like that. I only got answers that were true.

I chuckled. "Thank heaven for small favours. I bet they will."

I left the two of them alone, not sure if that was betrayal or not. But I had a bed waiting in quite another room. A huge room. A room that looked as if it had sprung from a catalogue. A room that definitely felt as if nobody had ever lived in it. I sat down on the bed and dangled my legs. Now this was a strange feeling.

For a while I just stared at the empty shelf. Its emptiness was accentuated by my meagre possessions lined up on one board. A stone, a twig, some tea. I would have to inquire after my knife and blasters, maybe even the lightsaber. Carefully I took out my earrings and placed them beside the stone. It did not help the overall impression. I wondered if things would improve after my next birthday. Not that the last had helped. Not that I even knew when the next was coming up.

I tried to work it out while I got ready for bed. The bathroom was as big and empty as the sleeping room. Possibly even more so as it was obviously designed for two people using it as the same time. Even with my things neatly lined up beside one washbasin, the other screamed it's unused state at me. Since I could not work out when my next birthday was due, I tried to imagine living here with Thrawn.

That amused me for a while until I realised I had nothing really to work with. I didn't even know how to live a normal day here. With a sigh, I tried to fall face forward into bed. But I just hurt my knees. If I ever needed to go to bed wasted, that would be a challenge. The blankets were blankets of a kind I had never imagined because I did not like them. They were thin like woollen blankets but smooth like sheets. Still I pulled it up to my nose and tried to sleep in the big emptiness that was my new home.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

* * *

**Author's Note:** The pronouns are up on the livejournal now. All 88 of them.


	9. 007

Seven

When Rukh woke me in the middle of the night because Sarah wanted me, it was the first of many times I fell out of bed painfully. It really hurt and heaven knows how I managed to almost sprain my ankle. The learning curve seemed to take place on the negative side of the scale though, because that kept happening to me night after night.

And when I did get up in the morning, because that's what people do in the mornings, I was so groggy that I just dropped to the floor again anyways. I found the dining room where it had been on the first evening most of the days. It made sense that the common rooms were within the main social tract. Of course that meant they were appropriated when necessary. And it was necessary quite a lot. House Mitth was sporting an extensive social life as far as I could tell from where I stood.

Contact to the members of the House was sporadic. There seemed to be nothing like a fixed routine to anything and I was mostly left to myself. So I mostly walked the gardens, amused myself with Sarah (or the other way round) and read newspapers. That gave me an inkling as to why nobody was paying me much attention at the moment. There was a huge debate going on. Because of me.

It seemed that my entrance had sparked a discussion about my exiled husband and there were indeed loud voices clamouring for his return. Times were not easy on the Ascendancy and even from my restricted knowledge it was clear that it was hard pressed on more than one border. The colonies were clamouring for more protection which the core could not deliver without changing the whole power balance.

If the Chiss Expansionary Defense Fleet was to be extended, House Mitth would gain quite a lot influence. Of course the House was more than willing to yield some of its responsibilities to House Nuruodo which was responsible for the inner security. That did not make many of the other Ruling Families happy because the Houses were very close as it was already. Covetousness bloomed all around.

And I hid behind the walls of House Mitth's anero which did nothing to lessen the conflict. Who was I anyway and on what grounds had I been allowed? Was this not an outrage in itself? There was a lot of noise about how I had managed to sneak into Chiss society on a pretence and how I would undermine everything. It was actually quite flattering.

"They are making a faulty argument and they know it," Thkela told me. We were sitting in her favourite spot in the garden, a small bench near the waterfall. If you sat down with your back to it, you could see the anero rise up behind the copse of blooming trees.

"But why make it at all?" I wondered. Of all people in the House, Thkela was the one talking to me more or less regularly.

A small smile crept over her lips. "Because otherwise there would be no argument."

I mulled this over. Did she try to imply that the controversy was facilitated? That somebody was holding up one side with unreasonable arguments so the other side could state its case? I did not put it beyond them. "Is it not a little to early for shadow fights?"

One of our first conversations had been a compelling instruction to drop the formal pronouns in a familial setting. It was insulting and I was in no position to insult anybody. I might not have a name, but that was no reason to sulk. Obviously the absence of an audience granted the use of the common pronouns. I had perked up and decided that my life might be much easier than anticipated.

In general it seemed that the protocol I had been drilled to follow did not apply to familial settings. There were no clothes showing your status. Shirts and trousers were generally burgundy with patterns of ones liking, but as long as you did not show your butt outside, you could wear any colour and pattern you liked. My sensible jumpsuits from the Chimaera would do just fine. I would not be going anywhere for a while.

"You have no idea how to move in this society," Thkela said and I had to agree. "How do we keep you from it?"

"Tradition, Mitth'kel'arash," I had replied, which had led to the lecture of respect, decorum and familial settings. "It is tradition where I come from," I had continued some time later, "that the mother stays with her child for some time."

"She does not work?" There was incredulity in her tone. "Who can substitute for a member of a ne'weëran'ok?"

I got the feeling that jobs were more of a vocation here than I was used to. That sounded suspiciously like no holidays ever. "There are no Ruling Families," I tried to explain. And really didn't know what to say because I didn't know whether to explain the political system of Germany or what I had seen in the Empire. I doubted I could explain either very well. "And somebody has to be able to substitute in case of illness or absence."

"Sick people can be contacted and absence can be planned for," Thkela replied, but she got my meaning. "You cannot be contacted and neither have you been planned for."

"Who would contact me anyway, Mitth'kel'arash?" I bit my tongue and was full of apology. This habit would be difficult to break.

"You would be surprised," her tone was hard. Obviously people that were not approved of planned to use me for schemes that were also not approved of. The longer I could hide the better. "And who would you contact, given the chance?"

I thought for a moment. "Nuruodo'kar'anasi," I finally said. "Chaf'orm'bintrao."

"Indeed." The topic was closed with that and I was once again wondering what I had inadvertently said without meaning to.

Still, later that day it was decided that adhering to traditions of my own people I would stay with my child for the first six months of her life. It would lead to a lot of talk, but nobody could deny that my daughter was a child of two worlds and would get more than her share of Chiss culture soon enough. Also, scandalmongering implied it would be difficult to find a nursemaid willing to take that bastard on.

So I lived like a recluse with little to do but keep up with the news and talking to Thkela now and then. It should have been really boring. To my surprise it wasn't, despite the sketchy sleeping schedule of Sarah, though that seemed to be improving now and then. Of course that was kind of easy to achieve as I had no other responsibilities to juggle with her. She woke up, I got up. She was hungry, I fed her. She was awake, I'd amuse her. She got cranky, I sang her to sleep. The new lyrics to her lullaby were taking shape nicely.

When I was not reading, talking to Thkela or sleeping, Rukh was taking care of my shape that had suffered under the pregnancy. He was teaching me some kind of battle tai chi chuan which took it all out of your muscles if you did it real slow. It was no substitute for my martial arts training with Arn or my squad, but it beat doing nothing.

I settled into an unsteady rhythm that reminded me painfully of my early time on the Chimaera. Gods, how I missed that sorry excuse for a warship as I lay alone on the bed trying my hardest not to cry. It didn't work. I wanted to cry because I felt all alone and lost and sorry for myself. This was so pathetic. Where had this reaction been when I had come to the _Chim__a__era_? When that had been a lot further in time and space than this was from it.

The Chimera.

Home.

Thrawn.

I put an arm over my eyes. Given a choice, I'd return immediately, no questions asked. I missed him. God forgive me, but I really missed him.

Each night I climbed into a huge bed that was cold and empty and made for two. And I thought how nice it would be to flop down on the low bed in Thrawn's quarters and _know_ that I was not alone. And I wondered if I ever crossed his mind. Like ever. And then I hurt all over again and wished I hadn't gone there (again).

But I did, each night when I was all alone in the dark that no dim red glow alleviated. I'd have to earn that. But with each day that passed, I believed that I could less.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	10. 008

Eight

After a few weeks the hubbub died down again. I had issued a statement explaining how I was very grateful for all the consideration I received but that it was quite wrong to put me at the centre of a discussion I wouldn't want to instigate and could impossibly partake in seeing how I was hopelessly biased. Also I was of the firm conviction that if any rules were to be remade or decisions undone that would have to be because it was necessary for the well-being of the Chiss and not because some people wanted to even old scores. Or because one child was growing up without a father. It was received well enough and people went off to form opinions of me.

In the meantime the opinion Thorra had of me was to be improved by actually meeting the tight schedule she and Thkela had set for my development. I was allowed to watch some of the official events without being seen. It was quite an education.

Watching one Chiss using the lor'kina even when you couldn't hear him actually speak was like listening to half a conversation. Watching two of them, even if separated by the whole room, was like listening to a whole conversation. I felt painfully underequipped. Even if I was to spend every waking second with somebody to teach me, I would not be on par by the time I had to leave my comfortable seclusion.

And comfortable it was. Despite popular belief a nursemaid had been found very quickly. She had arranged herself with Rukh quietly and neither had ever mentioned it to me. It put me quite out of business, especially the easier kinds like changing napkins. That was smelly, but at least I knew what to do. I was not sure how to raise a little bundle of blue that could do nothing but look at me, grasp and make funny noises.

Unlike her, I understood the constant criticism, though. Why did she not start babbling already and though it was nice that she could hold her head up, shouldn't she keep it up a lot longer? And really her grip should be much more coordinated.

I had no basis for comparison. The poor kid was only a few weeks old. What were you supposed to do? I liked the smiling and the she started to actually see. Also, as far a I was concerned, her gurgling and ululating was rather intelligible. Okay, after getting up three times a night I might be too cranky to care, but that was getting less. All in all, I did not feel like an utter failure.

"She will always be late in her development," I explained again. "That's the human part in her. We mature a lot slower, reaching adulthood at eighteen or later."

"But what do you do with all that time?" Thkela held Sarah for the time being.

"Go through adolescence," I replied without thinking. It took a good half hour of work before the concept was fully understood. Thkela considered it a quite unnecessary stage of life. I agreed, not that it had helped me any. "I am not sure that compressing all this turmoil into a year does improve it any," I decided.

"We will see," she said, still optimistic that Sarah was just lagging a bit now but would get her act together. "It will be difficult to get her through the education system."

It would be difficult to get her in tune with anything. Even if the Fels were ever allowed on planet for a holiday... Why did things have to be so complicated?

"Because the Empire of the Hand," the Cheunh for that was foroki'tanerotye'par and it made me happy that I would not have to use it often, "is not a welcome concept here. It may be quite successful keeping one of our flanks clear, but its military doctrine is unacceptable." Thkela made a short pause. "We understand his train of thought, and commend his dedication, but that doesn't mean we endorse his belief."

'He' was of course Thrawn. I had gotten used to it fast. If it was obviously my exiled who was meant, the simple _yia_ was used. Not even a form indicating he was now of a lower family, or actually none at all. If there was a great unknown 'he' around, that was my husband. It was an uncomplicated way to express that at least in private the social excision was understood but not endorsed, as Thkela would say.

I liked her. She was tough and had a no-nonsense attitude. I guess you needed that to keep a Ruling Family together and in business. And while this was Thorra's job now, it was still up to Thkela to make sure all pieces fit. She sure had her hands full with me and my slowpoke of a daughter. "Your bodyguard will protect her as well?"

"Yes. Seeing how I would give my life to protect hers, he considers it easier to make sure she is safe, too, instead of saving me from saving her and saving her at the same time. It seems like a logical concept."

"He will need to understand our language," she went on. "A few words to speak won't hurt either."

"Shall I teach him or do you want to appoint a teacher?" I made sure my body language indicated that I offered to do this and thought nothing of it.

"It might be wise to keep the extent of his understanding hidden for now." Thkela gave me a pointed look.

I lowered my head in understanding and submission. It also conveniently covered my relief. "I will do my best."

"It has also been decided that it is unwise to converse with Chaf'orm'bintrano."

I was not sure how surprised I was. "Why?"

"He is not, let us say, a friend of the Family." Thkela handed me back my sleeping child abruptly enough to wake her.

I tried to calm the plaintive wail with some success and could thus understand her as she continued.

"House Chaf is important in its role of foreign affairs, but too often they cannot keep the borders clear between what is military and what is civilian." She stood up and straightened her clothes. Yet another ensemble of dark red, looking like somebody had used too much softener on brocade. "We have many disagreements and Chaf'orm'bintrano argues strongly."

Okay. So whatever had turned angry, young Formbi from Outbound Flight into wise, nice Formbi from Survivor's Quest had not happened yet. Too bad that I could not, or would not, wait for that. Still I agreed. Once let loose on the Chiss society I would do as I pleased anyway. I allowed Sarah to chew up my finger with her hard gums as it kept her quiet.

"A choice of favourable contacts will be created. This way you can ease your way into society without embarrassing anybody who matters."

When Stent had been so full of praise for my formal skills. They were not practised much on Nirauan, seeing how they tended to get into the way of military efficiency. Stent had actually made fun of me for approaching him all formal. I thought of him wistfully. I would have gotten along with him splendidly had I not been handicapped with an advanced pregnancy which had made me unreliable in all respects.

"How can House Chaf be our second ally, if they disagree with us so much?" I wanted to know.

"The allegiances depend on shared interest as much as on tradition," Thkela explained. "Before House Prard took over trade from House Tiar, the Chaf Family was hoping to add it to their responsibilities. Trade would intertwine well with foreign affairs and the possibilities of trade in an expanding Ascendancy are very promising.

"But when Tiar fell, Prard stepped up and House Chaf had to find another ambition. Since they cannot fall back on trade with places in Space Beyond, they want to carve a piece from the military operations out there." She left me to my own musings.

Space Beyond. It sounded like a fairy tale place. But actually it was only known space. Perspective was everything. And Thkela was right. Provided trade was taken up with space beyond, be it the Republic, the Empire or the Hutts, it would be mightily profitable. More so than any military operation could hope to be. Come to think of it, the Houses with the most to lose if the Ascendancy opened to known space were Csapla and Nuruodo.

I let Sarah do the biting of nails while I sat thinking and listening to the tinkling of the waterfall. It was easy, wasn't it? All I had to do was make sure Chaf got their trade after all and that Mitth was assigned with the greater amount of military necessary while giving less interesting tasks to Nuruodo. How did you even abolish a Ruling Family? I would not even consider wiping all of them out.

And how would you go about that anyway if it was a meritocracy. If you missed but one member of the family, they'd just merit-adopt everybody they needed right back. _Something easy with pasta_ from Pratchett was still haunting my mind when Sara decided that my finger was not actually edible enough to be satisfactory.

Whatever. Walking back to the mansion would likely put her back to sleep. And I needed to talk to Rukh. I was not sure if Thkela suspected anything, she had not _accused_ me of anything, but it was better to be safe than sorry. I felt the urge to beat up something or get beaten up some and decided that I was going back to normal. Maybe I could get Lyk back some day to fill in that part of my life. He'd do exceptionally well.

Rukh agreed that we better start the official language lessons immediately. I put Sarah down on the sofa and got out the gasha board.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.


	11. 009

Nine

The kids were home for Diaspora Day*. Not mine, obviously, but those of Thorra and her daughter Thikoa. It was strange and somewhat unsettling to see something like an actual bloodline. But now and then the child of a family would turn out to merit the position and also wanting it. Thikoa had done just that and thus kept her original parents. I wondered if it felt odd to her.

Her kids were still all hers because they were not grown out of the House yet or not merged into another. The moment Thikoa chose a merit child to follow her as head of House Mitth, erm I actually wasn't quite sure what would happen then. I was certain that the rooms reserved for that person were currently occupied by me.

But there was time. Thorra was still doing the leading and not looking as if she would tire of it any time soon. And once that had happened, Thikoa still had a few years to chose. So it was more than likely that her blood children belonged to other families by then. Right now they tread around me warily, staring as if they had never seen an alien before. They probably hadn't. Sarah fared better, at least until she opened her eyes in public and denounced herself a half-alien.

It was still a stumbling block that she had not started babbling yet. Sometimes I got the feeling Thorra and Thkela were counting the days until she uttered the first recognisable syllable. I was worried more about Sarah turning into a Hutt. She was podgy all over with no signs to change any time soon. I hope that would change with a growth spurt, but she showed no signs of growing either.

At night I prayed to whatever gods would listen that my child would not grow up to my tiny size in a society that was 15 centimetres taller than me on average. She had it hard enough without being a dwarf. At least she was charming. If toothless smiles were charming. I definitely thought so.

Thenga, Tholia and Thatha were not sure if it was charming or disturbing. They were polite towards me if not actually respectful. They talked to me, but sometimes I felt it was just a good excuse to use the 'āe' pronoun on a person. The only Family lower than Mitth was Tiar and the contact between the two families was not especially close.

I decided not to do anything about it and get used to it already. There was no telling what normal Chiss would do who were not somewhat familially bound to be somewhat nice.

I was excused from most evening events anyway. Not only were most in an official setting because it was rare to get the whole family in one go, Sarah was also getting more and more grumpy in the evening. What I had done to deserve this I knew not. I spent a lot of time trying to get her to sleep because if I didn't she'd just be worse the day after.

Still I guessed the worst was yet to come. When she was asleep, I could just put her down and do whatever. As long as I made sure she couldn't roll away. I began to paint again because I was not overly invested in it anyway and it was something to do until Sarah woke up again.

Also it gave me and Thatha some common ground. She could criticise what I had painted and I gawked at her paintings. It showed that Chiss kids started early with their arting. They also matured so much faster that with her eleven years Thatha was already attending the military academy. The thought that somebody might force that lifestyle on Sarah was worrying me.

I watched as Thatha created a stunning portrait of my daughter's completely blue features. The black, well almost hair had fallen out but since nobody freaked out about this, I decided to keep quiet as well. And it meant I did not have to wash her hair which was nice, especially when Sarah had decided that she did not like water at all.

"Those eyes are difficult," Thatha stated. "They are not contrasting with her skin at all. How is anybody to know where she is facing?"

"It will be easier when the hair comes back," I said. "The hairless bit will be her face." Man, I was so lucky I hadn't had a son who might have grown a beard. Not that anybody here got the idea of a beard. Hair in your face? Disgusting. I tended to agree, so that was fine.

"And I would say the same about your red eyes," I went on. "I am just not used to eyes that glow and have no pupils."

"That makes it easier," she argued and she did have a point.

"I always get the glow wrong," I said instead. It was nice to talk about something else than decorum and politics.

Thatha looked at me for a long while. "How can you see it at all? I mean, your eyes don't look as if they did infrared."

"They don't," I agreed.

"But you see the changes," her eyes flashed suddenly.

"I saw that." I wondered what she was getting at.

"And you keep Nuruodo well apart from our colour."

"Is that a problem?" I wanted to know.

"No, that's infrared." She returned to her painting.

Well, now that was worrying. I wanted to retreat into my head and think this through but obviously I couldn't there and then. "Must be somewhat able to after all," I said out loud. "I'm sure it's much more pronounced for you, though. It's a very useful thing to see warmer bits when your planet is so cold."

And so we went on. I kept Sarah entertained enough to keep her eyes open and in the end had an amazing painting. It might have been the Chiss equivalent of the baby on the bear's pelt but what did I care? "I'll put it up in here," I said, scouring the wall for likely places.

"It's going to look quite lonely."

"You can paint me a series with one painting each year. That would make a nice progression." I could see her mull it over.

"For as long as I come here for Diaspora, why not."

"That's great, thank you." I accompanied that with the proper lor'kina to express I was serious. The Chiss seemed to have a 'natural' body language which I would never know more about, but in informal settings they still used the lor'kina to make a point. "Is there a reason you might not return in sight already?"

"Not sure." She cleaned her brushes. "And you would not be the first to know."

"Doesn't mean I can't be the first to ask."

Thatha left in a faked huff as Sarah made her hunger known loudly. "At least you waited politely almost until she left," I told her. "You might even develop some manners one day."

But other things happened first. With the children assembled my cargo was finally being distributed. I got a fine chunk of the tea and chocolate. It put me off asking for my weapons back for then. It also proved me to be a complete idiot and uncultured lump because I had no qualms opening and eating the first chocolate bar right there and then. Decorum be fragged. It had been fucking weeks!

I was sorting my new treasure into shelves all over the flat when an unexpected guest announced herself. Thkela stood in the door to my private parlour with a small box in her hands.

"Do come in," I bid her hastily.

She entered, looking around. There was not much to see. I didn't own enough to change the look of this place any. I had some of my paintings stacked against a wall because I didn't know what to do with them. They were certainly too ugly to hang up.

"Can I offer you anything?" It was out before I realised I actually had nothing to offer, not counting the chocolate.

"An explanation," she replied, holding out the box.

I took it warily. It was light and not that big. A label had been attached to it saying: for my wife. Well now. That was unexpected. I was almost too terrified to open the lid. But I did because I was being watched and who was I to be afraid of my own husband. Or even just his presents. Oh dear.

I almost sighed in relief when the item inside turned out to be nothing more than a fluffy blanket. That smug bastard. I put the box down and shook the blanket. It was thin and light, but very, very soft. It was also rather big. I would have no trouble at all pulling that tight around my toes and over my head at the same time. I smiled.

"He knows me well." I folded up the blanket and refrained from sniffing it. Even if Thrawn had tried to infuse it with his scent, which I would have noticed, it would have worn off after so many weeks in a box. "I tend to be cold. And I like to curl up and feel – protected." It was not the whole truth but Thkela might deduct my blanket-cuddling tendencies without being told about them outright.

"It was in one of the boxes you willingly gave way." It was a question, watching her body language, one I better answer correctly.

"He also knows you well," I lowered my head.

"If he knows how everybody will react so well, why is he not here now?"

"I think he improved after leaving." And somehow I was not really certain what had gone on all those years back. The story seemed convoluted and complicated beyond understanding.

"You cannot change the past." Thkela closed the matter with a decided turn of her hands.

"All we can do is create the best future possible from now," I agreed. I still had no idea how to influence anybody towards revoking the exile. Even if there were only seventy people on the Council of Houses a unanimous vote would be near impossible.

The solution was still not one bit clearer when I went to bed. I had gotten used to the height of the bed, not only because having to get up several times a night left quite an impression when you fell on your face from this high up each time. But I still didn't consider the place home. It was where I stayed and where I would be staying for quite a while. But it was not home. It certainly was not homely.

If there was some kind of economy on Csilla, which I strongly suspected, I had seen no part of it. No money, no price tag, not invoice or bill. I had not left the house either except to roam the garden so I didn't know which kinds of shows there were and where they were. Consequently I had not acquired a single new item. Until now.

That smug bastard. I curled up under my brand new fluffy blanket. He knew, alright. I tried to breathe regularly. I failed. There had not been much time to think about him yet. His name was never mentioned and that had rubbed off on me surprisingly fast. I was too tired to think when I went to bed and usually for a while after getting up. I was kept busy. I didn't think.

Now I had time and reason to think. What was the idiot thinking sending me something like this? He knew – of course he knew. I tried to be very, very angry. Instead I sobbed into my pillow in a small and lonely fashion.

And this is the reason I didn't update here.

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* Diaspora Day - holiday (invented by me) signigfying the time the Chiss began to settle space in earnest so they could move the majority of their popularion off Csilla when the ice began to cover it.


	12. 010

Ten

The first half of my chosen imprisonment was over and there were still no signs that I would ever interact with the outside world. Thkela did tell me a lot about it, though more about the metaphysical make-up of it than profane things like streets, shops or bars. Now bars was a very nice idea.

Not that Thkela would let me go anywhere outside of a controlled setting until I could use my lor'kina properly. With Thrawn that had been easy. There was only one person to direct it at, because he was the only one able to read it. On Csilla, everybody understood. And there were things I was not supposed to shout across the room in unguarded gestures. While I got the idea I was not sure what to do about it.

The first step was to keep in mind who was standing were at all times and knowing if your lor'kina was visible to them or if you had managed to put something that obstructed the line of sight between you and that person. This would have been a lot easier if I had been able to remember where I myself was in the room at any given time.

It made my head buzz like learning a completely new language. And I did not have much free space in my head. Sarah had turned into a slobbering squeaky toy and that was adorable and hard on the ears. She did not realise that there was a range human ears did not consider comfortable. It was worse for Rukh who had the finer ears but had been declared her personal chewing toy.

I allowed it since Rukh showed no signs of resentment. I wondered if he ever regretted not having children. Sometimes I thought we should have reversed roles as I never wanted children, but I was actually loth to give up my daughter. I counted that as improvement and hopefully the development of proper maternal feelings.

"Yeah, it wouldn't do at all," I told Sarah as I put her down on the thick carpet in the shared parlour, "that your absentee father likes you more than your mum." She watched me with big eyes, trying to hold herself up and grasp at the thick threads at the same time.

"Priorities," I told her as she tumbled back to the floor, "you need them, luv." I put down a toy within her reach and Rukh came to sit down beside me. Since she was not able to drool all over him over the distance, Sarah put a fist in her mouth and then used it to spread her slobber on the carpet. It was not my carpet, so I didn't care.

The language lessons with Rukh were fun. We camped out in the middle of the shared parlour taking shameless advantage of the thick carpet. Since he did not need any coaching and I was incapable of it anyway, we had started to teach each other our mother tongues instead.

Noghri had a voice that made my toenails curl up when used to speak German. Mix up Fassbender with Wolverine on too much whiskey and you were approaching the growl factor Rukh had. It gave me shivers. I also got pangs of homesickness with almost each word he learnt. I hadn't heard German since forever and hearing it now made me feel that acutely. Every now and then we had to stop while I collected myself.

Rukh on the other hand had the time of his life. My vocal apparatus was definitely not made to pronounce any of his words. I soon learnt that what sounded like a most friendly Balrog surfing down a debris avalanche was the Noghri equivalent of hearty laughter.

"You declared that the spouse of your daughter is a tree." He was trying to compose himself.

"Well, considering the amount of blue-skinned brick-heads she'll grow up among, a tree might just be an improvement," I said.

"But do you think that likely?" Trust Rukh to turn a funny remark serious.

I shrugged and looked at Sarah who watched us intently, at least when she was not busy watering the carpet. I heard that all newborns had blue eyes (I assumed it was not true for Asians though, for example) but I was quite sure that Sarah's would stay this blue. If she suddenly turned out to have brown eyes, I would have to have a really stern word with the laws of heredity. "It probably depends on when and if she gets to see normal people," I stroked her cheek with a finger and was rewarded with a blubbering smile.

"I mean, people that are not Chiss." This was not easy. "If she gets out in time, there is no telling. Scoring a Chiss husband might prove her not just a freak, but it might just be easier to find a guy who doesn't mind her wild mix because he's not so xenophobic."

"And what will you do?"

"I?" I blinked. "I will pray I raised her well enough to notice if a guy's not good for her. What else can I do?"

"Raise her well." He smiled one of his terrifying smiles.

Since raising would have to wait a little, it would certainly help if she understood what I said and I understood her replies in return, I picked Sarah up and carried her around. Predictably, she dropped her toy. It was some kind of light green kraken with more arms than normal, but also a great amount of eyes. Her monsters would have to turn really horrible to scare her.

"Now what?" I looked to the floor where the kraken lay. "Am I to pick this up again?"

Sarah gurgled and I took that for an affirmative.

Crouching down, I picked her toy up and handed I back."I'd say don't drop it again but," yep, there she went. I nudged her nose gently. "You'd sure keep me in shape even if Rukh wasn't around, wouldn't you?"

Sarah reached with her podgy hand towards the ground making quite clear what my job was. And that is how the days went. Now that Sarah started to actually interact with her environment, I got a better idea of what to do with her. I wondered how soon you could give her finger paint. Right now the only stuff I'd trust her with was food colouring. I didn't even know if Chiss had it.

Another thing the Chiss did not have, not surprisingly if you thought about it which I hadn't, was weather. The temperature was always about the same. I could go outside in a jumper, maybe with a light jacket. I needn't worry it would rain. I think water falling from _this_ sky would be a good reason to panic.

It took some time to attract my attention. There was everything you expected from a natural environment, trees, flowers, lawn, birds; I had even seen a squirrel equivalent though with the slightly purple fur it could have been a fugitive prune of unexpected size. Everything seemed very natural.

But on second glance it was definitely not. It never rained. Never. I don't know how the water was distributed, but I was guessing at elaborate buried water systems. There was no wind. Ever. Of course there wasn't as it had no place to come from, nowhere to go and there was no sun to warm the air in some places so it rose. Or maybe there was, but down here you'd never know.

And I didn't look up at the sky. I thought I would get used to it, but I didn't. The marbled grey hung low each day. There was no change in colour, no clouds, no sun or stars at night. Csilla had three moons, but I had never even seen one of them. It was overall very depressing. So I pretended I didn't even want to look and kept my eyes on the trees and lawn.

Once you did that, there was no mistaking the lack of bees or something to take care of pollinating all the flowers. I didn't see anybody walking around with a brush either. And whatever it was the birds lived off was unlikely to be bugs or insects. The whole ecosystem was a lie.

Asked about it, Thkela was dismissive as if it was obvious and everybody knew and anyway I had more important things to wonder about. She gave a short description on what kinds of animals were generally to be found in the districts and what you could expect in the nature parks that were scattered in some of the outermost districts of Csilla.

It was all very ordered and well kept. Numbers were kept and regular head counts made sure there were not too many or too few of any species. That would endanger the balance of the elaborate system. It was also a reason nobody ever considered keeping pets. A waste of air and space and also an unnecessary additional variable in the equation that enabled life to go on as normal under the ice.

The copse of crocus trees had stopped blooming. Now the willow substitute sprouted tiny blue blossoms that smelled as numbingly and made it almost impossible to sit on the bench under the tree. Sometimes I went there to shut down. Just sitting in the intense smell of sandal-wood and orchids trying not to be there at all.

And this is the reason I didn't update.


End file.
